I closed my eyes and i swore i saw hell,...and i liked it.

life is screaching right now. im at the end of one life and its going sooo fast and will end in like 20 days, then every thing is going to stop for the summer, and getting on with my life is progressing so slowly. I just want to get on with it. this is sooo irritating.

so im suppose to be in english class right now, Its so fucking dumb, its turned into a theater and film class, and i want to write, and read, and we cant do any of that, Im so ready to just say fuck it all and quit, but im just so close to the end i know i cant do that. I feel like im in prison, no windows, no sun, no warmth in any way. Im getting really close to Terry, hes teaching me quantumphysics, and nerochemistry, along with bdsm. Were going to a party on friday, and hanging out on sunday. It will be fun. but ill have to see stupid samm. I really hate that. Theres not much else going on. Im going to get a job in the very near future, oh and yeaaaa i get to get my back fixed today. i hope it will feel better. im bored. laterz. -aulie

Today is a good day. Im going to stop bindging. No more Big Mac supersize meals, and no more 5 cookies for breakfast, no more having 4 full dinners. 160 is way tooo much, Im going to loose 20 lbs, before may. I have to, because i no longer fit into the prom dress i bought. It will be good for me. Im really getting good at hacky sak, I have to find a way to get out of this job interview today. Ill find the number before school is out, so i can call. I just want to dance! so thats why ive decided not to pursue the jobs. I finnally feel like i have some control over my life, and the next step is my body. Im sure i weigh at least 20 more than carol. God i hope sammy will still love me, even though ive blown up in to a massive heffer of a beast. well i have to go. laterz. -me

so its another day, and I came home from school after second hour. Im just not in school mode today at all. I wouldnt have been doing anything but ditching, and i figure instead of spending my time in the library with their compleat lack of selection, i might as well come home. My mom didnt really care, shes busy. But of course she called me in, so im excused, but home doesnt really seem that much better... actually im really glad im not in fucking english right now. i didnt singn up for freakin theater, i dont want to put on some stupid play, I want grammer, and editing, and literature, not that stupid fucking play!!!F so any ways, I feel like shit, because last night i couldnt stop eating, and i couldnt throw it up, i was crying for like three hours, balling, full out balling. The weirdest thing in the world happened though, my mom understood why i was crying, she actually said the right things, and she ( oh my god listen to me)she actually made me feel a little better. Its because she understands what its like to be fat, and she understands over eating, and eating when your sad, and how much worse it makes you feel to know what youve done to yourself. Lord, ive gotten sooo fat. Ive gained 11 lbs. this month, and none of my clothes fit anymore, and i hate myself for it. I just wish i could stay at one weight, and not gain anymore, i hate looking at the scale in the morning and seeing that it went up 2,3,4 pounds. Maybe alot of it is water weight...yeah right! who the fuck am i kidding, ive turned into a cow... pretty soon ill, no, i am her. Im going to go for a walk maybe i can burn some extra calories. laterz. -me

Not a day goes by that im not thinking of sammy more and more, and i cant seem to help it. I find myself in the car listening to chicago today. singing full blast. "and i want you here with me, from to night untill the end of time, and i know and i know that its hard to see, but i want you here with me. every where i go, always on my mind in my heart in my souuulll. youre the meaning in my life, your they inspiraton:. so her gj was deleated and i cant find my phone card, so im not sure hwo to contackt her, but god i miss her, and i m taking it all out on ben. .... oh what a tangled web we weave. well. got to go. laterz. -me

Im drun k again, it seems to ibe alot more than usual, but i guess thants okay., I miss ben, and i miss being high, and i miss scholl. and im just fucking pissed off at the world fruck it all. i hate thies stup8ic life, and i just want to end it all, but then again it could vbe the alcholol talking. i dont fucking care any mnore. no one knows how powercful i aqm. and n o one will let me show them. fuck. i wish centennial could handle me. but they cant. i miss ben sooo much. well, i guess im going to go laqy down. louve ya. -aulie.

Oh my god, i went to this killer wicked party last night with samm, We both got sooo plastared that we couldnt go home for like two extra hours. But it was sooo much fun. I got to see all my friends, and hit on almost every one, and almost every one hit on me first. it was a giant flirt and groap and dirnking party. oh, and we were all wearing pajamas, so it was totally cashz. and the best thing is i dont have a hang over at all. So yeah, i got nothin to do today, and its great, well,,, except for the fact that jonathan is here. and hes being an even bigger asshole than usual. Samm and him are going to split up soon, i can tell, and as much as i always wanted that to happen. I wouldnt go after jonathan ever ever ever in a million years. i never noticed how old, and grose he really is. But samm and i are gettting to be really really great friends, hense the party together last night. Jonathan didnt want us to go. we get home right? and hes gone. its like two in the morning and i wake up this morning and lexis on the couch. And he was cheating on me with jessica the whole time, and i pretty much hate him now. but anyways, g2g. laterz. -aulie

I dont know what to do, my heart and soul is torn, shreaded really. Im In love with four people. i never thought it was possible, but it is, because all of them share a unique special different love with me. Theres Jonathan and hes my arch angel from hell, hes evil and strong in almost every way, and hes the one who will hold me, and surround me compleatly with warmth, and he shares my need my cravings for the kill. But then theres Sammy who im drawn to in a way i cant explane, the chemistry between us is like an explosion, and we have this passion than turns every thing into an evil dark farie tale of lust love betrayal heartbreak fire and blood. its sooo primal and yet so beautiful. i miss her every moment. we can spend 24/7 together and still be pulsing to touch eachother and just be close. But shes so bad for me, and we clash in sooo many ways. And then theres ben, who is amazingly smart, reliable, has a perfect family, and Im in love with. we like all the same things, and we work really well together, but its almost too much, theres no spice. Hes sooo vinnila its not even funny. sammy and i were saferon, and sage, and cinnomon. He doesnt appreciate pain, not the way sammy is starting to. Its almost that sense weve been apart we crave each other more than ever before. and were almost 18 and we could blow the world to peices with how much fun we would have, and i hope to god someday i can get her back. and then theres the mystery person, the person ill meet up at UNC. im going to college, do i honestly think i wont want to go out and play? of course not. thats why sammy and i were so great together, because we had such an open relationship, and trusted eachother sooo much that we could do things like that. i mean really, who wants to be tied down at 17 ? well, i got to go. laterz. -aulie

I saw sammy the other day, cause shes back in town, and oh my fucking god, i couldnt believe the (for lack of a better term) "pull" between us, it was so right, but at the same time sooo wrong, and i hate pretending that i dont want her, i never really ment to I was just so sick all the time i could bearily get out of bed let alone the house, and i wanted to drive over there, i just .... i just couldnt. and she thought it was because i didnt love her, but i do, and now shell hate me for ever. Maybe if i just told her i was sick she would have undrstood, but i just, i dont know why i do it, i just always try to hide myself from her when im sick. and i lied to her the last four times ive been in the hospital... i guess i just dont want her to see how weak i can be. but god i miss her. She hugged me, and it was nirvana. I miss her touch, her voice, her poetry... her everything. Id give anything to get her back right now,

but no... we mustent, our love has to remain secret untill we are free from the slavery of our familys hate

She asked me if she could see my LJ. Im still not sure if i want her to see this. I dont want her to know how much it hurts me to be with out her. shell laugh at me, and throw carol at my face...she hates me... im gone... laterz. -aulie

Im waiting here for fuck head to come and pick me up so that i can see the stupid psychiciatrist. I hate both of them with a flaming passion. Well now lets elaborate shall we. i loath my father, and actually Dr. chipmonk does give me my lovely lovely meth, so i guess i wont complain about him anymore. Jonathan is an asshole who im liking to spend less and less time with. I honestly never want to touch him again. And its not for any particular reason, like im not all pissed off right now or anything, he just well... he rather disgusts me. First it was fun, it was bad, cause of our age diffrence and cause he was married, but now that i know who he really is... i hate him. not quite loath, but a definate hate. Hes a hipicrate to the most vast extent, Hes such an attenchen getter its not even funny, like he trys to get sick and stuff. because hes lazy and doesnt want to go to work, and then he tells his boss its cause samms having another breakdown. He lies and cheats, and hoards every thing. and he thinks hes god... no, no... i mean literally he thinks hes god, and he thinks hes better than every one on the planet, and he thinks hes smarter too. but ive been getting smarter too. and now i have started proving him wrong and he hates that. He turns into a compleat pouty annoying gimmy gimmy gimmy little boy. If somethings not his way he throws hissy fits, and makes every one feel misurable... in someways he reminds me of my father... in a lot of ways actually. which is also why he and mario are so simmilar, because threw work with dianna i have discovered that Rick, My Father, Mario, Larry, and Jonathan are all the same person in my head. the whole "fuck me my lesson" type thing. so anyways im bored so laterz. -aulie

Shes on her kness, she loves him and his lessons of pain and pleasure, but she fucked it all up. She dares not to look at him. it is her forbiddin shame. so she murmers a sound of begging, and he takes her chin in his thumb and finger and knicks it up to meet his daring fearce glaring eyes. she gazes back in reveraunce and with tears. her lip quivers and a tear falls down her cheak. "speak" he says gently, no command intended. "im sorry" she whispers and turns her gaze back to her knees.
He guides her by the shoulders and as she rises his breath curresses her neck. He slowly brushes her hair back in to pace behind her ear, his hand holds her cheak as he gazes deep with in her eyes and says " all is forgiven my angel of the night.... and then he kisses her passionatly drawing into "the softest kiss" and then they hug and knwo that once again the ring of love is hindered and mended wholely compleatly everlasting... forever.

YEAH RIGHT WHO AM I KIDDING, SHE HATES ME!!!

how can they not see that im lying, this isnt me, im gunna kill myself the first chance i get, the only reason why im happy is becuse im doing meth again. riddlilin is a code name for meth, how dumb can they be. Im drunk off my ass becuse i minipulated samm. my personalities are/have taken over, i hate my self, all i think of is death, i cry every night, but no one notices, im not myself, i just cant fit, theyre all so blind, even jonathan who thinks hes the smartest person in the world cant see me for what i truly am, i cant even see me for what i truly am. The only one in the world who can truly see me for what i am is sameth, he was my master of the night. and he let me be my self. when i was with sammy i didnt want to do meth, because i didnt want to die, because that would mean wed have to leave each other, and i couldnt bare it, and now that shes gone.... well, theres just not much point on trying to live any more. ... what for???nothings right. i cant take its anymore, im dying, but no one will know becuse i keep on smiling. the power of happiness compells you. i dont believe in anything, and i just want to die. some one please just shoot me already. Im not who i say i am. im always lying. youll never know me. and youll hate me. becuase secretly i hate you, but ill never say anything. all i want is my little girl my baby, its mario isnt it. yes. its my turn. tno , this isnt real, i just made you up, youre not real. i hate you. youre mine and you know it. you knew what you were doing the whole time, dont play dumb with me. .............................fuck.

im drunk, and i feel so good, i feel like us. i feel like im the one not the fuxxws . cant you believe i have to abe free. im all i got left and theres nothing to be. on the phone. dont you hear, no it me the one that they fear, im just like you dont you detest, im the one nont like the resit . contridicions, i know their true, i cant help it. i feel so blue. im insane cant hold back i slit your throught till you beg for death.... laugh lauugh ha ha, its our little secret, pruge up regret. guilty buy guilty me. theres no such thing a s being free. colors dance in the black to emptiy to react. pain pain pain. i want you me, seit the pace to set me free. .,lyes over and over again, just to stay within my head, im loosing it, im drifting gone. medications merge, i need to purge. ;alkfj;aslkdjf;alsdkfj;alskjf;alskfj;alsdkjf;asljkf [;lk

"Im in class, im suppose to be researching for my English project as a lightning storm of pain strikes my wrists. I look down at the scares with distane and wish I would have died that day. My deathwish will never fade, Ill always hate it here. I mean my life is going really well right now, I love a lot of people and a lot of people love me. My future is coming up, im starting my own new life and college, im getting an apartment with my amazing boyfriend, every thing seems perfect, but when it all comes down to it: if held at gunpoint and asked if I would live or die, id beg for death, hell, id take the gun from him and do it myself if I had the opportunity. Every one thinks im okay now, but im not, and I never really will be."

Ive come to many conclutions lately. Ive remembered how to feel happy, and i can play it off quite well, but Im always going to be sad, and its always going to hurt, Ill always ultimatly be alone, and the world will never be right. the only time life was good, adn life was right was when i was with sammy. I hate that our worlds clash. I smile every day, i laugh i joke, but every moment i just want to scream a the top of my lungs, and rip out my heart and soul. I miss her soooo much. Im suffuering, and no one knows, I wish i would just die already. Physically i tried too many times and failed. But im just right on the edge mentally, i can feel it. ive lost the will too eat, im too scared to sleep, im too tired to live, some one just kill me already. Im so sick of always ending up back at this point. My surroungings are totally different this time and yet i still feel exactily the same,... hopeless. I have tons of friends, my grades are pretty good, hell, i even have an amazing boyfriend and a family that loves me. Im not even doing drugs or drinking. If i ever get my hands on a gun i swear to us that before anyone has time to take it away i will shoot my self straight threw the head. I dont care where it is, or who im with, this is my vow...now... how on earth am i gunna get someone to let me hold a loaded gun?.... this does pose quite a delema. the only way i wouldnt really is if sammy kissed me and said no. thats all it would take. i love her sooo much it hurts, but i rather live with the pain of loving her, than die. that has to mean something. i love her more than death, and death is my savior, so what does that make sammy. oh well, never mind. laterz. -aulie

i dont know what the fucks going on anymore, every thing is always changing, and the things that get on my nerves are just growing and growing. All jonathan ever does when hes not working is play video games, or is on the computer, samms being a stupid pmsy bitch as usual, and shelbys as annoying as ever, i know this isnt the right place for me, i have to get an appartment and i have to get it soon, because slowly but surly im going even more insane. I have no place of my own, things have gotten a little better, because i finnally got a desk of my own, but i still have no place to get away from every thing, no place to call my own, im sick of sharing everything, i want something for me. i mean the least they could do is not mind sharing with me, but oh no, thats too much to ask they dont care that im a 17 year old girl with absoulutly no privacy what so ever, every one hears every thing i say when im on the phone, ill probably get shit for writing this, because every one can see my computer, i want a secret, hell i want lots, fuck i want sammy. but every one says shes "bad" for me. i want something thats just mine and no body elses, even my time with ben is shared with the entire house because i dont have a room for us to go to, and im grounded, so i cant go over to his house, i wanna get away, i wanna get way, i want to fly awayaayy. no fair no fair no fair. i want i want i want. i know it all sounds juvinile, but comeon now, ... well at least i have my car, thats mine and no one can get in and fallow or invade with out my permission. fuckin a im sick of sharing. yeah i needed a lesson in it, but this has gone far enough. My next goal is to get a job and save up all the money i can so that i can get an appartment with ben asap.

I dont have faith in any thing or any one, and i just dont understand how youre suppose to, i mean jeasus what do you do all of a sudden say "i believe" and it happens? i dont think so, its like the whole magick thing how on earth are you suppose to believe in something that isnt fact. but on the other hand alot of the things i thought were fact are fiction and opinions are fact, and damn it to hell im just so confused i dont even know what to do with my self, my world is spinning uncontrolably around me and i just cant catch up, and im not alowed to be weak anymore jonathan has made that so. I know its for the best, but its so god damned hard, and i just want to cry, but i cant, thats against the rules, jonathan is mario. mario has manifested himself in to a living person. jonathan doesnt even know it. its so funny to watch how others get sucked into my reality, and no matter how much control they think they have theyare all just little puppits in my twisted little game. god, all i want is sex right now, i dont really care guy or girl old young or child, as long as theyll take it, and give it. Id kill to have sammy back right now, but we both fucked that over, but god we were amazing together. i miss her more that words could ever say. no, thats not all i want, i want meth, i want to smoke (anything) i want to get drop dead drunk, and i want to kill, and i want to bleed, hey, jonathan cant see my body anymore, that means, i can do what ever the fuck i want to it. sex sex sex sex sex. fuck, damn it to hell, i wish i could have that little girl from tongiht, jonathans cousin. they were wrestiling and all i could think about is them naked, such a big big strong man, and such a little presious child. Its only a game. if im going to restrain my self, i better fucking get a reward. I want to get my kiddi porn, and i want to get cock, and i want to get pussy and i want to kill my perents, and i want to party. but noooo, i cant have any of that till im 18, but then i get some. ha ha , no ones here, im going to go threw all theyre stuff got to go. =me

ever sense i moved in (again) im becoming a different person. Im learning more than i ever thought possible. Jonathan is so wise and its almost scary, but im addictied to him. i soak up every thing he says as if he were a god, but not quite a master. He is a higher being, and i am his student, i am so honnered. Ive descovered that many of my values have been scued my the poor perenting of my mother and father. Im learning responsibility and self worth. thats the hardest one, self worth, i really dont get how youre suppose to "love" your self. Im learning how to be "nice" and im learning how to suppress my evil wild side, and im learning how to control and intigrate my personalities. Its very interesting, but threw out the whole thing and most of the time, i have no idea what i am suppose to feel, or how i actually feel. I am stuck, but at the same time hes teaching me to be productive. A large part of me still begs for death, and wishes i hadent survived my suicide. Im not in love with him, well i am to some degree, but nothing will ever fill what sammy and i had, i swear theres no deeper love, no deeper pssion than sammy's and mines. I dont need him, but i love to hear his Lechtures, and look in to his eyes and see his strength, and just be near him because he says some amazing things. im I still want to marry sammy, and i always will, and if we needed a father i hope it could be jonathan. and a part of his heart will finally be mine. He saved my life, and i havent thanked him yet, mostly because i still dont want to be here, and i still hate this world. i dont understand how one can be a surviver with out being a killer. Jonathan and i are sexually banned from eachother, (thank god) because of the cops involvment and samms stupid big mouth, i really hate her, id kill her if it wouldnt hurt jonathan, but i care about him too much, thats why i didnt tell them anything. maybe i should start writing down my questions about life, so here goes.

How do i find out if i can even have a child, when will i be able to, when will i be ready, when will i know? will i ever like myself, will i ever get fixed. How do i integrate, when will the nightmares stop, do you hate me, when can i die, when can i cry, when will i get a break, when will i become the master, will i make it, or will i fail. will they all go away. yes. can i ever switch games. no. i want the fire back. well you cant. dreams of freedom? not possible give it up. who can i love. am i capable of love. but i still love sammy. shut the fuck up. when will i grow up totally. when will i be skinny, will i ever be.thats all for now i got to go to bed. laterz. -aulie